A Family Advocate and not a Confronter(except with the express leading of the Holy Spirit).
In our first 3 Lessons we reviewed several video clips from the popular A&E TV series Intervention. Now we will focus on the Christ Centered Interventionist.
Many humanistic therapies prescribe heavy confrontation techniques to deal with alcohol & drug abusers in denial. This rarely works because of the tight defensive posture most substance abusers have erected for themselves. Healthy family relationships of trust and a feeling of the extension of unmerited love must be established before confrontation could ever work, and then it must be spoken in love as concerns, not condemnations.
The Interventionist is, therefore, a family advocate, always mindful of upholding and encouraging what is healthy and loving in family communications and discouraging any and all condemning statements. A large part of his role is to teach and guide the family in healthy communication. His role is also to help identify, uphold, and advocate for the God-given gifts and goodness of each family member because only if identified and activated can progress take place.
Worldly confrontation does not work and often makes the problem worse. The biggest temptation that family members face during an intervention is to read the riot act to the family member for whom the family intervention is held. If this is allowed to happen, family members will say things that later they will regret ever having said. Often, unfortunate words of condemnation, criticism, and anger are let loose. The individual receiving the words experience them as a barrage of hate and hostility. Such expressions have the effect of putting the individual, who already has an unhealthy self-esteem, into even a greater self-loathing. It also closes the door for healing words to ever take place.
The best way to understand the effect that such words can have is to put yourself in the hotseat for a moment. How would you feel if a close relative said to you, “The problem with you is that you are only concerned with only yourself. You only care about getting high all the time and you haven’t done a single thing to help the family.” Now contrast these words with, “Whenever you’re high on drugs, it seems to keep you away from us. We miss you. You are a member of our family and we are not a complete family without you” In contrast to the first statement, how does the second statement make you feel. In the first statement, the focus is on the problem and on condemning the family member. In the second statement, the focus is on “concerns” and does not condemn the family member but lets him know that he is needed.
The harm of humanistic confrontation
The confrontation techniques used in many humanistic psychological approaches are not motivated by love but human manipulation. It is experienced as empty, vacant and distant by the hearer. Even though, because the therapist is viewed as someone who must know what he or she is talking about, or is viewed as an expert, the things they say may be accepted and received as truth and deeply planted in the psyche. Because humanistic therapists often tend to focus on the problem rather than the true solution and only offer superficial solutions, the individual might arrive at therapy with a vaguely defined problem, and after many sessions end up with a much more highly defined problem in a deeper state of hopelessness and despair. Or what is worse, they will be given a self-help program or techniques that may actually work in stopping the surface behavior addiction but be deceptive to the point of hindering and blocking the person from entering in to the kind of surrender really required to bring deep and lasting change.
Pulling out the props
Some of the more confrontational humanistic therapies focus upon the removing of all defense mechanisms, self-deceptive self-images, lifestyle justifications, and all other props that help to define the persons identity before they are truly ready to deal with the prospect of rebuilding a new life. The confrontation techniques used is some therapies can be effective in removing these props of a false identity, but the condition that people are left in when these props are removed is both spiritually and emotionally devastating and traumatic. The same therapists who remove these props, often do not have a clue as to what can put in their place.
When a person’s whole system of meaning has been removed, even a false and deceptive one, and nothingness remains, there are few things in life more deviating than the stark reality of the desolation that remains.
In order for a counselor to be able to adequately deal with this kind of desolation, despair and hopelessness so prominent in a person’s life, they must be able to offer the very real hope of our loving God, who alone has the power to transform a meaningless life into one of true purpose.
Humanistic techniques can not work at this point because the individual knows in his heart of hearts, that left to his own devices, he does not have the energy, power, vision, or strength to overcome mountain of despair standing before him. He knows in his heart of hearts that if new life is possible, it has to come from a power that is higher, wiser, more benevolent, and stronger than himself.
The props can only be taken away if the counselor is confident in the promise of God’s truth for the individual. That truth is found in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have toward you, says the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans that give you hope and a future.”
The transformation process
Humanistic therapists who believe that they can change people by their sharp confrontational techniques deceive themselves. It is the Holy Spirit who changes us. His spirit convicts the heart of Man, but then we have the freedom to choose whether to respond to the conviction power of His spirit or to harden our heart against it.
A Christian counselor who has a deep and abiding relationship with the Holy Spirit understands that the best he can do under the leading of the Holy Spirit is to prayerfully impart the specific truth that the person is ready to hear. He can not expect that the person will change in any significant way unless there is a spiritual transformation brought on by the conviction of the Holy Spirit and the choice of surrender to God who alone can do it.
Why do an intervention?
An intervention is helpful when the idea is to reinstate the individual into a context of family and/or friends who are able and willing to relate to the person in spiritually and emotionally edifying ways. Intervention will work where there is relational commitment and accountability. Keep in mind that the primary reason for the intervention is reinstatement into a healing social milieu.
The secondary reason to conduct an intervention is to offer an opportunity to the individual to recognize the harmful effects of his past behavior and with contrition of heart given by the Holy Spirit, admit his role and responsibility. The Christian counselor offers the truth in love connected to the Word of God pertaining to His redemptive and resurrection power.
A good intervention is the gateway to future recovery and a new life full of peace, purpose, and joy.
Under what conditions is it possible to do a family intervention?
1) When the person with the problem is not forced, coerced, intimidated, or pressured into participating. (Must be completely voluntary)¨ Family members and friends are willing to make accountability commitments.
2)When all participants agree to abide by the rules pertaining to the expression of “concerns”.
3)When the person identified as having the problem is willing to hear from significant friends & family members with a humble, teachable spirit.
In some cases a stranger such as a counselor, policeman, pastor, or parole officer may be the only family a person has.One of life’s greatest tragedies is when a person is either an outcast from a hateful and mean dysfunctional family, or the only remaining, living member of the family.
The Bible says that the Lord puts the orphan into families. Unfortunately the devil does the same thing. If the person turns to the Lord for His redemption, the Lord places him among the sheep of His pasture. Between such persons is found joy, love and edification of mind and spirit. If the person turns to evil minded people to be his companions and forsakes God, that person finds himself among people who will influence him to do all evil behaviors the result of which will be depression, despair, and ultimately death.
Sometimes as a Christian counselor, we have the opportunity to see someone who has lived a hermit like existence, alone in a hostile world with nothing but the voices of his mind to guide him. It’s possible that this person has suffered from loneliness for so long that he might have suicidal tendencies. For such as these who may be in despair, you as their counselor represent their only hope. In you they must see an extension of the love of God for them. You will only be able to give them this love if you yourself have nurtured a deep personal relationship with the Lord.
Humanistic therapists often try to extend a humanistic love to their clients, but it is not strong enough to last through the course of therapy because it is only a counterfeit of God’s love that ultimately fails. Instead, the Christian counselor should have nurtured strong relationship with God that His love should be seen shining through.
DEALING WITH DENIAL
Planting the seed that takes root at a later date. It is not easy to penetrate the defenses of one who is actively in denial. The Bible tells us to not cast our pearls before swine. The intended meaning of this guidance from the Lord is to be careful who you share God’s precious wisdom and truth with. The wisdom and truth that was given to you as a Christian counselor is precious like pearls and would be received by people inclined to God and His wisdom as the precious commodity it is. But Proverbs 29:6 says, “Do not speak in the ears of a fool, for he will despise the good sense of your words.
But there are those who are in transition from a foolish lifestyle to the new life that only the Lord can provide. For these we may plant seeds that can take root immediately or at a later date depending upon the spiritual state of the client. The Bible speaks of four possible spiritual states that will determine the degree of receptivity of our client.
1) Seed fallen by the roadside;
2) Seed fallen upon stony places;
3) Seed fallen in thorn bushes; and
4) Seed fallen upon good ground.
It is helpful to us as counselors to look at ourselves as seed sowers in the context of the parable of the seed sower. Read the parable and see if you can understand the 4 types of ground that the seed fell upon. What understanding does this parable give you in terms of which condition of your client will allow for which responses. The parable goes like this:“…Behold, the sower went out to sow. And in his sowing, some fell by the roadside, and the birds came and ate them. And other fell on the stony places where they did not have much earth, and it immediately sprang up because it had no deepness of earth. And the sun rising, it was scorched; and because of having no root, it was dried up. And other fell on the thorn-bushes, and the thorn-bushes grew up and choked them. And other fell on the good ground and yielded fruit; indeed, one a hundredfold, and one sixty, and one thirty. The one having ears to hear, let him hear. Matthew 13:3-9
Everyone hearing the Word of the kingdom, and not understanding, the evil one comes and catches away that which was sown in his heart. This is that sown by the roadside.
And that sown on the stony places is this: the one hearing the Word, and immediately receiving it with joy, but has no root in himself, but is temporary, and tribulation, or persecution occurring because of the Word, he is at once offended. And that sown into the thorn bushes is this: the one hearing the Word, and the anxiety of this age, and the deceit of riches, choke the Word, and it becomes unfruitful. That sown on the good ground is this: the one hearing the Word, and understanding it, who indeed bears and yields fruit, one truly a hundredfold, and one sixty, and one thirty. Matthew 13:19-23
Explain your understanding of the following imagery contained in the parable of the seed sower:
¨ Seed fallen on the Roadside – eaten by the birds
¨Seed fallen on Stony places – burnt up by the sun
¨ Seed fallen into Thorn bushes – choked by deceitful riches
¨ Seed fallen on good ground – bearing fruit
Communicating negative judgment (the evil eye)
As people of discernment, it is easy to see behaviors that are less then healthy in the people we counsel. A common mistake made by counselors, pastors and others who would intervene in people’s lives is that during these behaviors the counselor will give a look of disapproval or disgust, often without even realizing it. It shows up to your client as a krinkle in the forehead, a dip in the brow, a change in posture, or a dirty look. But it conveys the message, “Your are despised!”, “Your no good!”, “Your weird!”, “Boy do you really have a problem”. That subconscious krinkle on the forehead that you carelessly communicated to your client, may have just reinforced the constellation of put-downs and lies that have been propagated for decades by the enemy of your client’s soul, reinforcing his problem. It also communicated the fact that you can’t be trusted to be a person that can be trusted to not pass judgement. You’ve just lost your opportunity to be a useful influence in your client's life.
With maturity the Christian counselor learns not to react to their clients less than edifying behaviors. In fact, the mature Christian counselor disciplines himself as an act of love. The Bible says that, “Love covers a multitude of sin.” It is therefore better to overlook many behaviors so you could impart the one truth that your client most needs to hear. If the Lord’s leading and your love are partnering together, your divine charge will accept it. And by disciplining yourself to strain out the destructive power of “the evil eye”, you will have developed a Godly style that has filtered out many openings that Satan once had available through you to do his destructive work.
If the individual is reprobate, there may be a leading to curtail the intervention. One of the devil’s wiles to the work we do is to send people to us who really do not intend to change through the intervention. They are there for any number of reasons all of which can meet satan’s design to obstruct and hinder the valid and effective work of the ministry. This is a chief reason why it is important for all participants to be prayerful before and during an intervention. With the spiritual discernment of a prayed up counselor and their sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, the Lord may give a definite leading to stop the intervention. If this happens, the counselor should inform the individual of the Lord’s leading to not continue. The Lord will take care of the rest.
When to avoid an intervention
When the individual:
¨ Is reprobate
¨ Does not want to change
¨ Insists upon having active substance abusing friends present
¨ Insists upon having family members who are active substance abusers present at intervention.
We don’t use force or intimidation to get someone to do an intervention (bribery is okay). Use of force and intimidation is unethical and never okay. In order for the individual to be open to receiving anything from the intervention he should be there by his own free will. Caring family members, however, motivated by their love for the individual, have used incentives to get the family member to the first session of the intervention. Though some individuals may not have arrived unless the incentive was given, after attending the first session of the intervention, their ignoble reasons for attending have been replaced by new knowledge and desire to continue.
When it is clear that the individual does not want to change
It is clear that an individual does not want to change if they say so. If that is the case there is not a lot we could do unless the Holy Spirit gives us something to say at that point. There are Biblical examples of incidents in which the Lord would have a word thorough one of His servants to such an individual. The Prophet Nathan delivered a word to King Saul, Daniel to Nebuchadnezzar, to cite two examples. These kinds of things happen frequently in today’s world through men and women who enjoy a rich prayer life and have nurtured a strong personal relationship with the Lord.
Outside of a direct word from the Lord about a person, an intervention should be offered to individuals who express a desire to change.
When it is not clear what a “friend’s” spirit is
Sometimes a person who is making a sincere lifestyle change has been accompanied by a “friend” who has no intention of really helping them. The Bible speaks of being aware of wolves among the sheep. The counselor can know and try the way of the people involved in the ministry or therapeutic process. In 1st John 4:1 it says “…test the spirits whether they are of God.” In Jeremiah 6:27-30 it says, “I have set thee for a tower and a fortress among my people, that thou mayest know and try their way. They are grievous revolters, walking with slanders … Reprobate silver shall men call them, because the LORD hath rejected them”. Our desire is to help everyone, but in wisdom we must become aware of the existence of these kind of people and their tendency to work themselves into the midst of God’s people.
We should not try to help someone who God has given over to a reprobate mind. God has given us free choice and only He can see the choices we ultimately make. The Bible says that He has predetermined us to follow one course or another. This may seem like a contradiction or a paradox, but because only God has the ability to know what we shall ultimately choose, He knows best how to predetermine our course. To those whom he knew would choose evil, He gave them over to evil. “And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient…” Romans 1:28
What are the symptoms of a reprobate mind?
The Bible defines a reprobate as someone who is committed to and practices all kinds of evil. “Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, Without understanding, covenant breakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful; Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.” Romans 1:28-32“They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.” Titus 1:16
Congratulations!
You have completed Module 4/Lesson 4
